Miffed Morganville
by Flying Penguinz
Summary: Ways to annoy all of the Morganville characters that you request.
1. Obliterating Oliver

**Ways to Make Oliver Cry:**

1. Tell him that he's Amelie's rebound.

2. Go to Common Grounds, order the cheapest thing on the menu, sit at the largest table (or booth), and stay there all day, throwing flirtatious smiles at him and winking whenever he looks at you.

3. Ask if he lost the key to his chastity belt.

4. Pester him to do a southern accent.

5. Tell Oliver a sad story about a donkey who was humiliated in front of everyone because another donkey made fun of his tie-dyed shirt. Make a point not to mention how similar it is to the things Myrnin puts him through on a daily basis—let him figure it out on his own.

6. When he snaps at you to leave him alone and stop bothering him, ask if he's on his period. Add as a side note that you hope he doesn't cry.

7. When Oliver talks, tell him that you can't understand him because of his accent. (i.e., "Are you speaking English right now, because I do not comprehend a word that you're saying." "Sorry, did you just say 'missiles' or 'miss, I'll…'?")

8. If he's having a bad day, ask if babies make him smile. When he says no, tell him he's a soulless being because no one can resist smiling when babies are around.

9. "It's a good thing you're a virgin. Otherwise, there may have been miniature Olivers." Shudder to help make your point.

10. Throw a rotten tomato or an old head of cabbage at his face, and then ask him if it brings back memories of the 'good old days.' (Being in the stocks.)

11. Make pop culture references that he doesn't understand to make him feel left out. (i.e., when you first see him, say, "Ow! My eyes burn worse than after watching a Lady Gaga music video!")

12. Ask if he has an autographed copy of _The Canterbury Tales_. Or even better, if he babysat Geoffrey Chaucer for extra cash over the summer.

13. Tell him that you're glad he's a vampire and can't get fat because of all the fast food he must eat—the life of a bachelor must get to him, especially since he probably can't cook for crap.

14. "Do you groom your eyebrows, Oliver? Because they're both looking exceptionally lovely today." When his reply is, "Oh, thank y—wait. _What. _I don't. I do _not_ groom my eyebrows," tell Myrnin so he can make posters of the news and hang them up all over Morganville.

15. Change Oliver's computer from Windows Vista to Windows Basic and make his desktop background orange.

16. String wires one foot above the floor in every doorway so he trips each time he walks in or out of a room.

17. Install an intercom system in Common Grounds and make an announcement at the top of every hour concerning the boy named Oliver just over three feet tall who has long hair and is most likely wearing tie-dye. Say that you hope he's safe because he just wandered off and if anyone finds him to please bring him to the front desk because his mother is very worried.

18. Tell him you read all of his diaries and you now understand _exactly_ why he is the way he is.

19. See if he knows what a boner is.

20. Replace his marijuana with oregano.


	2. Making Myrnin Miserable

**Making Myrnin Miserable**

1. Replace all of his chemicals with different sodas.

2. Give Myrnin a list of weird phrases and tell him they're what the popular culture says nowadays. (i.e., "'Stop plucking my eyebrows' is a term said by teenagers when annoyed at someone, 'Just put the cord in' is a saying that refers to listening to headphones and is said when there are people talking [usually bickering] and you want them to stop.")

3. Call him a good-for-nothing floozy.

4. Make him flex his biceps, poke them, and then say, "I've seen better."

5. When he's reading a book, ask him if he got to the part where the main character dies.

6. Spritz him with a spray bottle of water every time he does something, but change that thing each time you squirt him. (i.e., when he walks with his right foot first, and then change it to when he scratches his head, then to when he says "Um," etc.)

7. Tell him that Oliver actually likes it when Myrnin plays pranks on him and it's always the highlight of his day.

8. Tell him how you saw Amelie and Oliver were cuddling at the park and their public display of affection was so _romantic_. Swoon so he gets a better idea of it.

9. Talk about how alchemy isn't real and anyone who says differently is a moron.

10. Ask how many split ends he has.

11. Make fun of his driving "skills." Find out how much Amelie takes out of his annual allowance for monetary damages on Morganville.

12. Compare him and Oliver. They don't have to be things that are actual similarities between the two. Mention something about how they both have a _flawless_ sense of fashion, or how they're both brilliant men who can do anything that they set their minds to.

13. Tell him that Amelie's not going to have any time for him anymore now that she has Oliver.

14. Ask him why he had to keep Ada's brain in a box and just make the whole series more complicated.

15. Tell him a knock-knock joke and when he laughs hysterically, tell him he only wished he was as funny as you.

16. When someone dies, say under your breath that you "hope he doesn't save their brain to do creepy things to later."

17. Make fun of how Myrnin is a girl name.

18. Spill grape juice on his favorite shirt.

19. Call Amelie and give her a list wrongs Myrnin has done Oliver over the past week. Be sure to mention an incident at the supermarket when Myrnin built forts out of the toilet paper and hit people who passed with fruits. Ask her to give him an extra brutal punishment like no TV for a week. That'll get his attention.

20. Send him e-mails from an untraceable account, giving him anonymous tip-offs about the poisons Oliver's been slipping into people's drinks for the past three weeks. Walk Myrnin through the steps of what he needs to do in order to stage a coup on Common Grounds; one step for each day, describing each step in length and going into excruciating detail about what rifle he needs to use to take out Oliver when the time comes (color, brand, measurements, ammunition needed, etc.).

* * *

**Don't forget to review with what Morganville character you want me to make a list for next.**


	3. Creating Crazy Claire

**Creating Crazy Claire**

1. Introduce yourself to her as Amelie's personal assistant; make sure to dress appropriately (flats/heels, slacks, etc.) and tell Claire that you're here to shadow her for the day.

2. Ask to see her phone because you aren't sure she got Amelie's last few calls. Make it ring and pick up. Have a one-sided conversation with yourself and pretend to be talking to Myrnin. "Hi, Myrnin— Oh? She is?" Look confused. "She doesn't look like one to me." Look Claire up and down. "Amelie thinks so too? _Cocaine_? No! Well, I'll tell her anyway." Give back the phone and remain silent. When she asks what happened, say, "Oh, nothing."

3. Tell her you saw Oliver watching her creepily last time she visited Common Grounds.

4. Tell her Amelie doesn't like the way she dresses.

5. Throughout the day, make comments like, "Amelie's got a plan for you," and, "Don't you worry about your future, Claire, Amelie's got it _all_ planned out," or, "Be careful, if you drink too much coffee, the Founder might not want you to become a— Oops, I've said too much."

6. Ask her why the only exercise she gets is running from vampires.

7. Insinuate she cheats in school and that's how she gets such good grades.

8. Bring a clipboard with you and follow her around, taking notes. Never tell her what they're about and don't let her see them. While watching her, every so often, shake your head condemningly and _tsk-tsk_ while jotting down something.

9. Replace all of her clothes with Eve's.

10. Pick up your phone every five minutes and pretend to talk to Amelie saying, "Oh, she's fine. Well, there _is_ this one little thing I'll talk to you later about. Don't worry, I've got everything under control."

11. Make her feel young by talking to her condescendingly. (i.e., "Oh, _Claire_, you didn't know that?")

12. Tell her Amelie doesn't like her hair.

13. Replace all of the Coke in the house with Pepsi.

14. If she gets fed up with you, just shake your head and write down some more notes on your clipboard, muttering, "Temper, temper. Amelie always said she needed to work on that…"

15. Say "YOLO" a bunch of times. When she gets mad at you for saying it, mumble it under your breath just loud enough for her to hear you.

16. Criticize her favorite movies. (i.e., "The ending was _so_ unrealistic and Amelie thought so too.")

17. Offer to buy her some conditioner for her "dry ends."

18. Talk about how vampires are always trying to kill her and she must really taste good and it must be annoying because Amelie's certainly always annoyed when Claire gets herself in a little fix.

19. Offer to make her tea whenever something bad happens. (i.e., "Oh, you lost your necklace? I'll put on some water for tea." "Oh dear, you chipped a nail? There's some hot water on the stove if you want me to make you some tea." "Myrnin tried to kill you again? Want some tea?"

20. Flirt with Shane.


End file.
